I Wanna Be Like Wayne!

When I was in middle school and then high school, I wanted to be, depending on what day you asked, a professional athlete or the President or an astronaut. My ambitions ran high as my pride ran high. I was good at most things I did, and I was recognized for it most of the time. My ego was large enough to fill any room. (It probably still is, but now I try to stay in smaller rooms.) 

When I was in college, I realized that life wasn't all about resume. And even if I achieved all my dreams, but neglected people, I would ultimately be empty. And accomplishments fade. If your life is built around accomplishments, you must keep on accomplishing lest your life and identity crumble. An exhausting merry-go-round of necessity. At this time I discovered preachers like Francis Chan and John Piper and Matt Chandler, and I basically decided I wanted to be a communicator like them, so I neglected my actual studies, but not their books and podcasts. I don't quite recommend that. 

When I came to the end of college, life forced some choices on me. Though I admired those pastors, I didn't feel called to be, or maybe didn't feel worthy to be, a pastor or preacher. I wanted to get married to my love, Nicole. I needed to start making money. I had a degree in, but no real passion for, engineering. I decided to go into teaching because I enjoyed math, I enjoyed tutoring, I was good at it, I would get paid for it, and most of the influential people in my life had been teachers or coaches. 

Teaching was really hard. I didn't enjoy telling kids constantly to be quiet. A love for a subject and skill at tutoring do not necessarily translate into skill at classroom teaching. I was not horrible, maybe a solid C+. I am confident my wife is much better at this. So what next? Law school! 

Oh, law school. This choice was made for several different reasons. First, and not least, the thought of making a lawyer's paycheck beckoned and enticed. You see, though I have learned a lot of theology and listened to a lot of sermons in the meantime that ought to have seriously humbled me, I retained that pride and ambition from high-school, still thinking that I could land at the top of the class and snag one of those Big-Law jobs. (There is a confidence that is not sinful pride. I am still working to find it.) The potential money attracted me - and I only realized that in hindsight - because I wanted some easy security and to not have to exercise self-control. The second reason I wanted to go was for a fresh start and doing something hard, and doing it well. I was somewhat ashamed of my middling academic performance at Georgia Tech and wanted a chance to do better. Again, seeking identity through accomplishment. 

I am almost through with law school. I write now as someone overly educated but not nearly wise enough. God has humbled me in some serious ways, and is still doing it. My long-term goals have shifted as a result of the pressure-cooker of law school. God has truly freed me of the desire to commute into Atlanta and work obscene hours just to make a lot of money. I think when you tell your story to someone else, a lot of these types of details go into it, but I think when God looks at our story, he probably looks at it differently and is looking at what kind of heart we are gaining or losing. 

Really, I write all of this autobiography as a preamble to my main goal and realization: that what I really want in life is to be like my dad.

My dad is awesome. He is not famous and probably never will be, but he has spent decades loving my mom and working diligently to provide for us so that we never had to worry. His job has never taken over his life. Evenings and weekends have always been family time, and we all ate dinner together basically every night around the dinner table. My dad has loved God my whole life and has grown in godliness. He has served as a deacon for years, been faithful to do evangelism, and for the past decade has taught Sunday school. Every morning my dad spends time reading God's Word, praying, and preparing to teach on Sunday. My dad also gets up and runs 30 minutes every day. My brother and I certainly would not be where we are, and I doubt we would know God the way that we do, without the steadfast love and faithfulness of my dad.

My mom, by the way, is awesome, too. She complements my dad perfectly. She was a stay-at-home mom, though at times before I was born I believe she made more money than my dad. She has always been quick to say that she would never trade the time she got to spend with us. My mom has been a Christian a good deal longer than my dad, but as he has grown and taken spiritual leadership, it has been her joy to follow him as he has led our family. By the way, we ate dinner together every night only because my mom happily fixed it every night. For Christmas this year, my mom gave me a cookbook with all her favorite recipes. I can't think of a gift I treasure more. As I continue to grow, I want to have a heart of love and service like my mom.

My brother, by the way, is awesome too. When I grow up, I wanna be like my little brother. I can't talk about what he does, and I can't talk about why... But Michael loves the Gospel, and he is moved by it to great action. A love that does not move into action doesn't do anyone much good. What good is a Gospel light going to do if we keep it hidden away and compartmentalized? My brother was probably more mature than me and wiser than me at an earlier age. I am challenged and encouraged by his heart for God, and I want to be bold and discerning like him.

I am not saying all this just to brag on my family. (Though certainly I am doing that.) I am saying it because I find in them all things that I want to emulate and incorporate into my own life. Character, I believe, is more important than accomplishment. Another way of saying this is - God cares less about where I go and what job I have (and how much money I make) than he cares about what kind of person I am in whatever place that is. It's not so much about whether I have found God's exact plan for my life, but about whether I am loving Him and knowing Him and walking with Him. I definitely feel God's grace towards me in the traveling companions that he gave me as my family. Thank you, God.